As a parent, the fact that your child has cancer is one of the worst situations to face. Everyone will be worried and therefore under considerable stress. Initially, you may think that the diagnosis is a death sentence. You will worry that your child will suffer and that your family life is going to be completely disrupted. When you are told the diagnosis, you may feel numb or as though you have been hit physically. You may feel confused, or unable to hear, remember or think clearly when you are given information about your child’s diagnosis or treatment. The numbness may give way to being almost overwhelmed by very painful, unbearable feelings. These are very normal reactions.

The feelings and emotions that you may have as a parent are described briefly below. The feelings will change over time, but can be very difficult to deal with.

Fear

You may find it difficult to believe that your child has cancer. You may feel very scared, anxious and panicky. Parents often, understandably, want to deny that such a terrible thing as cancer could happen to their child. There may be a temptation to take your child from one doctor to another. At times, you may feel that the fear is almost too much to bear, such as when your child is going into the operating theatre and you wave goodbye.

Sadness

It is normal to feel sad or depressed at times when your child has cancer. Every parent hopes and dreams that their child’s life will be healthy, happy, and carefree. Cancer and its treatment are difficult for the child and parents. You may have feelings of hopelessness about your child’s recovery. You may find it difficult to eat or sleep. You may feel as though you have no energy for the things that you need to do each day.

Parents often say that they feel overwhelmed by the enormity of their child’s diagnosis. Unfortunately, these painful and unpleasant feelings cannot be avoided and you will have them at various periods during your child’s illness.

Guilt

It is very common for a parent to feel guilty about the cancer, as though you have failed in your duty to protect your child from harm. You may find yourself wondering if anything that you did caused your child’s cancer. Some people feel that it is a punishment for something they did wrong in the past or due to smoking or drinking too much. Sometimes, parents blame themselves for not noticing their child’s symptoms quickly enough. Most parents of a child with cancer will have very strong feelings of guilt: even though it is not currently known what causes most cancers and parents are not responsible for causing their child’s cancer.

Anger and uncertainty

It is also natural to feel angry at times. You may feel angry with the hospital staff for putting your child through pain and difficult times. Having to deal with uncertainty and an unfamiliar world of hospitals, doctors, nurses, and treatments can also make many people feel very angry. Some parents are very distressed to find that they are even angry with their child, whose illness is causing so many problems for the family or if the child is not cooperating with the doctors and nurses.

Parents may feel angry at each other, if they have different ways of coping with the cancer. For example, if one parent wants to talk about it a lot and the other just wants to get on with normal life as much as possible.

You may also feel angry with family or friends who:

• make thoughtless remarks
• are too busy to give you support
• avoid you because they don’t know what to say.

You can get information and support from staff at the hospital. Social workers, specialist nurses, doctors, and others who are part of your child’s care team can help you to deal with and understand these feelings and emotions. You can also talk things through with our nurses or the Cancer Counselling Trust. Details of organisations that offer support to parents of a child with cancer are given at the end of this section.

It is important to take care of your own needs: for example, eating well, sleeping well, dealing with any health problems, exercising if possible and taking regular breaks from looking after your child. Parents often find it hard to express their grief and fears to each other with the result that they bottle up their feelings, become tense and quarrel more than usual. If you can, try and talk to each other as openly as possible.

Socialising

While you are feeling unhappy, you may want to avoid seeing friends and taking part in your usual social activities. This feeling is understandable but it can be helpful to keep up with your usual interests as much as possible and as your energy allows. Some of your friends may not know what to say to you and it may be up to you to bring up the subject of your child's illness. Other friends may surprise you with their sympathy and understanding.

One of the first worries you may have when you hear that your child has cancer, is what to say to friends and relatives. Every family is different, but many parents find it most helpful to be open and frank about the situation, perhaps also giving some of the information in this section. If people close to you and your child know what is going on, it is easier for them to understand any changes in behaviour and to offer suitable help and support.

Grandparents, aunts, uncles, or other close family relatives often have reactions similar to those of parents and may struggle to deal with some of the same emotions. They usually need to be given accurate information about what is happening and, if possible, asked to give help and support. The UKCCSG can send you a booklet for grandparents of a child with cancer.

The brothers and sisters of a child with cancer may have all of the same feelings and emotions that parents experience.

The UKCCSG have booklets about siblings. Cancerbackup can give you details of other information for and about siblings.

If you need to spend a lot of time in the hospital with the ill child, your other children may be cared for by other family members or friends. Your children may have a lot of separation from you and disruption to their daily routine. As well as worrying about their brother or sister’s health, they may also feel resentful of all the attention that the ill child gets. This can make them feel very left out and angry. It can help ease tensions, however, if you plan some time with your other children when they can become the centre of your attention.

The needs of brothers and sisters can be overlooked in the early months when you may spend most of your time caring for your ill child at the hospital, clinic, or at home. Many brothers and sisters keep their feelings bottled up inside, to avoid worrying parents. Often, the place where siblings may show how they feel is at school. It is very common for them to:

• withdraw and become very quiet
• become disruptive in the classroom
• cry easily
• become frustrated and have outbursts of anger
• fall behind in class work
• get lower marks than usual
• start missing school
• become rebellious towards authority
• have arguments and fights with friends and other children in their class.

It is helpful to send a letter to all your children’s head teachers, asking them to let your children’s teachers know about the cancer diagnosis in the family. You can then ask for the school’s help and support for all your children. The teachers need to be aware of the stresses facing the family, and understand that feelings may bubble to the surface in their classroom. It is essential that parents talk to the teachers about their healthy children's emotional and educational needs, as well as those of their sick child.

If a sibling is obviously having difficulty dealing with the situation, it is important to discuss this with staff at the hospital (such as the specialist nurses or the social worker). They can arrange for counselling, help and support for you and your healthy children. The Cancer Counselling Trust also offers family counselling. Some hospitals have support groups for siblings.