As a parent, the fact that your child has cancer is one of the worst situations to face. Everyone will be worried and under considerable stress. You will worry that your child will suffer and that your family life is going to be completely disrupted. At first, you may think that the diagnosis is a death sentence. When you are told the diagnosis, you may feel numb or as though you have been hit physically. You may feel confused, or unable to hear, remember or think clearly when you are given information about your child’s diagnosis or treatment. The numbness may alternate with feeling overwhelmed by very painful and powerful emotions. These are very normal reactions.

The feelings and emotions that you may have as a parent are described briefly below. The feelings are likely to change over time, and you may not feel all the emotions described here.

Fear and denial

You may feel very scared, anxious and panicky about what is going to happen and what the future holds. Parents often, understandably, want to deny that such a terrible thing as cancer could happen to their child. Some people may feel tempted to take their child from one doctor to another. At times, you may feel that the fear is almost too much to bear, such as when your child is going into the operating theatre and you wave goodbye.

Sadness

It is normal to feel sad or depressed at times when your child has cancer. Every parent wants their child’s life to be healthy, happy, and carefree. Cancer and its treatment have a big impact on you and your child’s life. At times, you may have feelings of hopelessness. You may find it difficult to eat or sleep, or feel as though you have no energy for the things you need to do each day.

Parents often say that they feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the situation. These painful and unpleasant feelings cannot be avoided, and you are likely to have them at various periods during your child’s illness. It is important to have support to help you through these times.

Guilt

It is very common for a parent to feel guilty and feel as though somehow it is their fault that their child has cancer. Some people wonder if it was something they did or didn’t do that caused their child’s cancer; or they feel that it is a punishment for something they did wrong in the past. Sometimes, parents blame themselves for not noticing their child’s symptoms quickly enough.

Many parents of a child with cancer will have very strong feelings of guilt, but it is important to remember that you are not responsible for causing your child’s cancer.

Anger

It is also normal to feel angry at times. You may feel angry with the hospital staff for putting your child through tests and treatment. You may feel angry with having to cope with uncertainty, and the unfamiliar world of hospitals, doctors and nurses. Some parents find that they are even angry with their child, as it is their illness which is causing so many problems for the family. This can be distressing but it is also very normal.

Parents can feel angry at each other, especially if they have different ways of coping with the cancer. For example, if one parent wants to talk about it a lot and the other just wants to get on with normal life as much as possible.

You may also feel angry with family or friends who:

• make thoughtless remarks
• are too busy to give you support
• avoid you because they don’t know what to say.

There are many people who can help you deal with these difficult feelings and emotions. The staff at the hospital, including social workers, specialist nurses and doctors, can listen to and talk to you. You can also talk things through with our nurses or the Cancer Counselling Trust. Details of organisations that offer support to parents of a child with cancer are given at the end of this section.

Many hospitals treating children have parent groups where you can meet other parents with similar fears and worries.

Looking after an ill child can cause unexpected expenses and difficulties. The Lennox Children's Cancer Fund and Leukaemia CARE both provide financial support and practical help.

It is important to take care of your own needs. For example, eating and sleeping well, exercising if possible, dealing with any health problems and taking regular breaks will help you to cope and care for your child.

Parents often find it hard to express their grief and fears to each other with the result that they can bottle up their feelings, become tense and quarrel more than usual. If you can, try and talk to each other as openly as possible.

One of the first worries you may have when you hear that your child has cancer, is what to say to friends and relatives. Every family is different, but many parents find it helpful to be open and frank about the situation, perhaps also giving some of the information in this section. If people close to you and your child know what is going on, it is easier for them to understand any changes in behaviour and to offer suitable help and support.

When you are feeling unhappy, you may, understandably, want to avoid seeing friends and taking part in your usual social activities. But it can help to keep up with your usual interests as much as possible and as your energy allows. Having a break and being distracted from the cancer and its treatment will do everyone good.

Some people may not know what to say to you and it may be up to you to bring up the subject of your child’s illness. Others may surprise you with their sympathy and understanding.

Grandparents, aunts, uncles, or other close family relatives often have reactions similar to those of parents and may struggle to deal with some of the same emotions. They usually need to be given accurate information about what is happening and, if possible, asked to give help and support. The CCLG can send you a booklet for grandparents of a child with cancer.

One of the first worries you may have when you hear that your child has cancer, is what to say to friends and relatives. Every family is different, but many parents find it helpful to be open and frank about the situation, perhaps also giving some of the information in this section. If people close to you and your child know what is going on, it is easier for them to understand any changes in behaviour and to offer suitable help and support.