Most people feel overwhelmed when they are told that they have cancer. Many different emotions arise, which can cause confusion and frequent mood swings. You might not have all the feelings discussed below or experience them in the same order.

These emotions are part of the process that many people go through in trying to come to terms with their illness. Partners, family members and friends often have similar feelings, and may need as much support and guidance in coping with their feelings as you do.

Reactions differ from one person to another − there is no right or wrong way to feel. Some of the common emotional effects are mentioned below. However, reactions vary and people have different emotions at different times.

Our section on the emotional effects of cancer discusses the feelings and emotions that you may experience and has advice on how to cope with them.

'I can't believe it' / 'It can't be true'

This is often the immediate reaction when cancer is diagnosed. You may feel numb and unable to believe what is happening or to express any emotion. You may find that you can take in only a small amount of information and so you have to keep asking the same questions again and again, or you need to be told the same bits of information repeatedly. This need for repetition is a common reaction to shock.

Some people may find that their feelings of disbelief make it difficult for them to talk about their illness with their family and friends. Other people may feel an overwhelming urge to discuss it with those around them.

You might find our section on talking about your cancer helpful.

'Am I going to die?'/ 'Will I be in pain?'

Cancer is a frightening word surrounded by fears and myths. One of the greatest fears expressed by almost all newly diagnosed cancer patients is 'Am I going to die?'

In fact, many cancers are curable if caught at an early enough stage. When a cancer is not completely curable, modern treatments often mean that it can be controlled for years and many patients can live an almost normal life.

'Will I be in pain?' and 'Will any pain be unbearable?' are other common fears. In fact, some people with cancer have no pain at all.  If you do have pain, there are many modern drugs and other techniques which are very successful at relieving it or keeping it under control. Our information on controlling cancer pain, describes these methods.

Many people are anxious about their treatment: whether or not it will work and how to cope with possible side effects. It is best to discuss your individual treatment and possible outcomes in detail with your doctor.

Some people are afraid of the hospital itself. It can be a frightening place, especially if you have never been in one before, but talk about your fears to your doctor or nurse. They should be able to reassure you.

You may find that doctors cannot answer your questions fully, or that their answers sound vague. For example, it is often impossible for them to say for certain that they have completely removed the tumour. Doctors know approximately how many people will benefit from a certain treatment, but cannot predict the future for a particular person. Many people find this uncertainty hard to live with.

Uncertainty about the future can cause a lot of tension, but fears may be worse than the reality. Gaining some knowledge about your illness can be reassuring. Discussing what you have found out with your family and friends can help to relieve some of the worry.

'There's nothing really wrong with me' / ‘I haven't got cancer'

Many people cope with their illness by not wanting to know anything about it, or not wanting to talk about it. If that's the way you feel, then just say quite firmly to the people around you that you would prefer not to talk about your illness, at least for the time being.

Sometimes, however, it is the other way round. You may find that it is your family and friends who are denying your illness. They may appear to ignore the fact that you have cancer, perhaps by playing down your anxieties and symptoms or deliberately changing the subject. If this upsets or hurts you because you want them to support you by sharing what you feel, try telling them. Start perhaps by reassuring them that you do know what is happening and that it will help you if you can talk to them.

'Why me of all people?' / 'And why right now?'

Anger can hide other feelings, such as fear or sadness. You may direct your anger at the people who are closest to you and at the doctors and nurses who are caring for you.

It is understandable that you may be deeply upset by many aspects of your illness and there is no need to feel guilty about your angry thoughts or irritable moods. However, relatives and friends may not always realise that your anger is really directed at your illness and not against them. If you can, it may be helpful to tell them this at a time when you are not feeling quite so angry. If you would find that difficult, perhaps you could show them this section of the website.

'If I hadn't...this would never have happened'

Sometimes people blame themselves or other people for their illness, trying to find reasons to explain why it should have happened to them. This may be because we often feel better if we know why something has happened. However, since in most cases it is impossible to know exactly what has caused a person’s cancer there is no reason for you to feel that you are to blame.

'It's all right for you − you haven't got to put up with this'

Understandably, you may be feeling resentful and miserable because you have cancer while other people are well. Similar feelings of resentment may crop up from time to time during the course of your illness and treatment for a variety of reasons. Relatives too can sometimes resent the changes that your illness makes to their lives.

It is usually helpful to bring these feelings out into the open so that they can be discussed. Keeping your resentment to yourself can make everyone feel angry and guilty.

'Please leave me alone'

There may be times during your illness when you want to be left alone to sort out your thoughts and emotions. This can be hard for your family and friends who want to share this difficult time with you. It will make it easier for them to cope, however, if you reassure them that although you may not feel like discussing your illness at the moment, you will talk to them about it when you are ready.

Sometimes depression can stop you wanting to talk. If you or your family think you may be depressed, discuss this with your GP. They can prescribe antidepressant drugs for you, or refer you to a doctor or counsellor who specialises in the emotional problems of people with cancer.