Hearing the news that your cancer can’t be cured is always very difficult. It brings up many feelings and emotions.

You might find it hard to believe what you are hearing, or feel that it’s like a nightmare and that you’ll wake up and find it is not true. The initial shock and disbelief may be replaced after a few hours or days by powerful and often overwhelming emotions. These may make it difficult for you to think clearly. You’re likely to need some time on your own or with your partner, a close relative or friend to deal with the news.

‘Sometimes I feel so angry – not with anyone in particular, just with the situation we are in. I keep thinking, why me?’

You may feel very angry – with yourself, perhaps because you feel you should have done more to prevent or fight your cancer; or with the doctors or nurses, for telling you bad news. You may be angry with fate and feel that it’s very unfair that this should happen to you. You may fear what the future will bring. You may find yourself tearful and depressed, and be unsure how to cope with all the feelings and emotions you’re experiencing. Some people are stunned and resentful to see life going on as normal around them when their own world is in such turmoil.

Most people have some, or all, of these emotions, but as time passes most people find that the distress gets less frequent and intense.

Dying with cancer doesn’t turn you into a different person, with less need for love, companionship, friendship and fun. For many people, partners, family and friends become even more important, a vital source of support and reassurance. However, people who have cancer sometimes feel that a great deal of responsibility rests with them. It may seem as though you are the one who has to be strong. You have to start the difficult conversations and help other people to face your illness, even though it is you who is ill.

If you’re able to talk openly about how you feel to your family and close friends, they will probably be relieved and able to respond. However, if you are unwell or feeling low it may be very difficult to do this.

We have information on talking about your cancer, which may help you to find the right words for difficult situations.

You can choose the people that you want to talk to, that you feel will be able to support you. You only need to share as much as you want to share – and at a time when you feel ready.

Serious illness can strain relationships and many people find it difficult to know how to respond. You may find that people react in unexpected ways. Some may try to deny the seriousness of the situation by being unrealistically cheerful. This can stop you from being able to say exactly how you feel. Other people may try to avoid you, rather than risk saying the wrong thing.

Some people may avoid discussing your illness completely, while others may appear to be unsympathetic. Your partner, children or close friends may irritate you by being over protective, trying to ‘wrap you in cotton wool’. Sometimes, lifelong friends and close family may feel like strangers, just at the time when you most need them. It may help to remember that everyone is shocked by your bad news. Your family and friends are also dealing with powerful emotions, and may need help and support to deal with them.

It can be helpful to remember that people’s initial reactions do not necessarily reflect their true feelings.

You may find, on the other hand, that your relationships with people improve as you and they realise what’s really important. Your illness can be an opportunity for you and others to get back in touch, or resolve past arguments or bad feelings.

Sometimes partners try to protect each other from the truth by denying it, even though both are aware of what is really happening. Talking about your feelings with your partner can help to support both of you through sadness, anxiety and uncertainty. If you can both be open about your needs, fears and hopes, you may find that your relationship becomes stronger as you face the challenge of your illness together.

When words fail you, or don’t seem enough, a hug or holding hands can be very comforting. It is important to keep your relationship as normal as possible. So if you have always argued a lot, don’t try to change this now. There are bound to be times when you don’t get on well together. Just at the time when you need each other most, the stresses of an uncertain future or the difficulties of feeling tired or unwell can drive you into arguments. You may feel that problems are harder to resolve because you feel you have less time to consider issues.

Anger needs time to die down, so it may help to reduce the stress if you give yourselves short breaks from each other. This can help you to think more calmly and recharge your emotional energy. Sometimes talking to someone else can help – a friend or relative, or someone outside your own close circle, such as a counsellor or a support organisation. If this seems a good idea, you may want to discuss it with your partner first so that they don’t feel excluded or that they have failed you.

Sex

There is no medical reason to stop making love because you have cancer. Cancer is not infectious. In fact, a sexually loving relationship can create warmth, comfort and a sense of well-being which can be very supportive at this time. Gentle touching, holding hands or affectionate kisses can also show how much you care for someone even if you don’t feel like making love.

If you have young children or grandchildren, there is no easy way to talk to them about your cancer and the fact that you are dying. However, it is often best to be as open with them as you can, and give information appropriate to their age.

Children can be very aware of things happening around them. Even if you don’t tell them anything, they will usually sense that there is a serious problem. They may create their own ideas about what is wrong, which may be worse than the reality. They may then become frightened and if they are told that everything is fine, they may start to have less trust in you.

Children may feel isolated and excluded, unable to tell you how sad and upset they are. They often feel that they are in some way responsible for their parent’s or grandparent’s illness or death. If you can discuss your cancer with them, you can reassure them that it‘s not their fault and that nothing they did has caused the cancer.

How and what you choose to tell your children will depend on their age and how much they can understand. For example, children younger than about eight or nine find it difficult to understand that death is permanent. On the other hand, children can often discuss death more openly than adults.

It may help children if you tell them directly that it’s OK for them to talk to other close and trusted family members about your cancer. It’s useful if they know that they can share their feelings and get support from other adults, such as grandparents or teachers at their schools. It’s important to talk to those adults too, and prepare them for this role, not forgetting that they will also have their own feelings about the fact that you are dying.

We have information on talking to children about cancer which you might find useful.

It might be helpful to warn the children how they might be affected, for example that there will be days when you feel too ill or tired to be able to play with them or join in their activities. If you talk a bit about your feelings, it may help them to be able to talk about theirs too.

Children may react in many different ways to your illness and you may find some of these difficult to deal with. For example:

• They may start to behave badly, to cover up their feelings of insecurity.
• They may withdraw from you, perhaps out of fear of being hurt or of catching cancer.
• They may become very clingy because they are anxious that something might happen to you when they are not there.

Teenagers may be angry and resentful that you’re not able to support them in the way that you used to. All of this can be very distressing to cope with, but try to remember that support is available, and you don’t have to deal with this alone.

It may be very hard to keep positive and be optimistic if you live alone. Even though you value your independence, being ill can make you feel very lonely.

People who care about you will want to help in any way they can. Some people will find it difficult to talk about cancer, but may be happy to help in more practical ways, such as doing your shopping or helping with your garden. Other people may be able to keep you company, listen to you and share your worries and fears.

You can ask your GP, district or community nurse what help and support is available. It may be helpful to be visited by the local palliative care or symptom control nurses, Marie Curie Nurses or a member of the team from your local hospice. Your doctor can arrange a visit from the local social services team who may be able to give practical help such as meals-on-wheels or home help services.

Befriending services can introduce you to trained volunteers who may be able to give one-to-one help and support if you are facing cancer alone.