'I bumped into James in the lobby of the hospital. I was a student and my family and James's family had been friends for as long as I could remember. Now James's mother had been admitted to hospital and was found to have cancer of the kidney. James was sitting downstairs in the lobby looking miserable and blank. I asked him whether he was on his way up to see his mother. “I've been sitting here for half an hour” he said. “I want to go and see her, but I'm stuck. I don't know what to say”.'

That story shows how most of us feel when someone we love, such as a close friend or relative, has been told that they have cancer. If James’s story strikes a chord with you, the first thing you need to know is that you're not alone.

We all feel stuck and helpless, maybe almost paralysed, when a friend or relative has some bad news. We all feel that we don't know what to say. We also usually think that there are things we should be saying or should be doing which will automatically make things easier for the person with cancer – if only we knew what they were.

There are ways to overcome those feelings so that you can give practical and useful support and help to the person with cancer.

The most important thing to realise is that there are no magic formulae, phrases or approaches which are 'The Right Thing' to say or do in all circumstances and for all situations. There isn't a 'right' set of words or attitudes that will always help. It is not a skill that everybody else knows and you don't. If you really want to help your friend, then your own wish to help is the most important thing, not some perfect script that you should follow, word for word.

Most of us, like James in the story, feel that we don't know what to say. But the important bit is not what we say – it's that we are there, and how we listen. The single most important thing that you can do for your friend or relative with cancer is to listen. Once you've learned the few simple rules of good listening, you'll already be of great help and support. This can help to build up a relationship between you that allows you to be even more supportive and to know what your friend or relative needs.

The secret is learning how to be a good listener, and that begins with understanding why listening (and talking) are so valuable.