In the past, cancer was a taboo subject and many people felt that it should not be discussed. However, things have changed and nowadays cancer is talked about much more. Many people have written or talked about their cancer experiences, and cancer is discussed in magazines, and on radio and television programmes. Many people are aware of the improvements in treatments for cancer and know that many cancers can be cured. So, it is not such a frightening subject as it used to be.

However, when it comes to the people you want to talk to, you may be worried that they feel uncomfortable talking about these things. You may be right - some people do still find it difficult to talk about cancer.

Your friends and family may have no idea what to say, but may feel that they ought to know what to say. They may feel that they want to help you and may think that there is a ‘magic formula’ they can use which will make you feel better, but they don’t know what it is!

Avoidance

So, because they don’t know what to say, they may avoid you altogether. This can be very hurtful.

Denial

You may also find that some family members go into denial. This means that they cope with the situation by pretending that it is not happening. Again, this can be very upsetting when you need their support. Sometimes, after a while, their feelings will change and they will be able to talk to you. However, if they can’t, you may have to accept that this is their way of dealing with things. In this situation you may need to rely on other people for the support that you need.

Lack of experience

Some people may have no experience to guide them in supporting you. They may not have had a serious illness themselves or may not have known anyone else with one. They may be unsure of what you want and need, and may not know how to ask you.

It is not your friends' or family's fault if they feel uncomfortable or unable to talk to you. It may just be that they find the subject very difficult and they are afraid of making things harder for you.

Fear of your reaction

Your friends or family may also be worried about how you will react if they bring up the subject of your cancer. They may think that they won’t know what to do if you cry or get upset.

It can be difficult to talk about cancer for all the reasons given above. But if you are open and talk about your situation and feelings, you can let people know what support you may need. You can learn to judge reactions, and see who is willing to talk to you and able to be supportive. You can focus on these people and perhaps just talk about social or everyday issues with people who do not feel able to discuss your cancer or who react in a way that you do not find helpful.

Cancerbackup’s section on how to talk to someone with cancer is specifically written to help the friends and families of people with cancer.