It can be extremely difficult to acknowledge that you have cancer. It is natural for anyone who has recently been told that they have cancer to feel overwhelmed by their emotional reactions. It can also be very difficult to deal with other people’s emotions and reactions to your situation.

Some people are unable to cope with their own emotions and may tend to avoid the difficult situation altogether. So your friends might prefer to stay away from you, rather than accept that they have strong emotions that they cannot deal with. Here are some tips for dealing with this situation:

• Always try to respond to your friend’s feelings  If you are good at guessing how people feel, it can be helpful to identify your friend’s emotion and what caused it. This can be quite simple, such as ‘When I talk about the cancer you look really upset’ or ‘It looks as though you get very scared when you come here.’
• Don’t be afraid to say how you feel at the same time: ‘I think both of us are finding this awful.’ Or ‘I know you’re worried about what could happen and so am I.’ The more aware you both are of your own feelings and theirs, the better the communication will be.
• If you get into some type of argument (which is not unusual) see the section called `Hints for resolving conflict'.
• If the other person is your spouse or sexual partner don’t ignore the subject of sex. If you had an active sex life before the illness, it will probably be affected by the diagnosis. Many factors affect this: fear of the illness and of the treatment, resentment about the illness, change in physical appearance, embarrassment, feelings of disgust and so on.

All of the above can make both partners withdraw from each other physically and feel shy and awkward. Quite often, sex may stop completely – often at a time when you most need to be reassured and cuddled. If that happens, then you can say so – as coolly and calmly as possible.

Try to explain your needs and discuss what can be done by either or both of you. Of course, it can be embarrassing to talk about these issues – but a very small amount of discussion can make a big difference. If you ignore the subject, it may cause serious resentment and mistrust on both sides.

Cancerbackup has a section called Sexuality and cancer which you might find helpful.